the breast chronicles

Most women get breasts around puberty. I got them at age 28. Well, I got them again at age 28, two years after breast implants and I were deemed “incompatible.” The week I moved to Denver I got breast implants. “I don’t want titties, I want breasts” I kept telling my surgeon, terrified that I’d wake up not looking like myself. That’s what I wanted: to look like myself. Or to look like what I imagined myself looking if my breasts had ever landed when they were supposed to. All adolescence I kept waiting, this year will be the year, I know it…

What I missed all those years in high school was that I was just barely not too thin to disappear. Softness didn’t belong on my body. I had no room for it. But I wanted breasts. I’d just never considered that they were soft.

After three popped breast implants, apparently they do not double for shock absorbers in the burpee, who knew, I stood in a dressing room waiting to get fitted for a bra. I was hesitantly happy to be back in my original body, mostly because I knew these babies were here to stay. A woman walked in to help me and when I told her what happened all she said was, “of course those are your breasts, babe. Your body wouldn’t work otherwise. Anything else they’d be too big.”

Softness has been a theme in my life over the last few years. What would it look like if all of this – my body, my training, my relationships – were softer, gentler, kinder? It’s as if my body was a sensei waiting for me to learn my great lesson. “Ah. Yes. You are now ready. Here, I gift you, breasts.” They got bigger, all of a sudden. I had to verify with the man I was sleeping with at the time, “they’re huge!” I mean you could actually cup them. Let’s not get too crazy here.

But they are mine. I just didn’t see it. She was right, I wouldn’t make sense any other way. 

2 Responses to the breast chronicles

  1. Charis Bullock February 5, 2018 at 5:18 pm #

    I just wanted to say thank you. As a young woman who has struggled with embracing my small breasts, and considered implants on several occasions, I read this and felt such reassurance. I’m not alone in my struggle to find complete contentment with my body. And yes, my partner says he loves them because they’re so perky, and his love and support has helped me embrace all of my softness in new ways.
    Keep being an amazing human, I love reading your posts. They speak to more women than you know 🖤

    • maddie February 5, 2018 at 6:24 pm #

      Charis, thank you for this. Truly. I struggled so much with my breasts pre-implants. It felt like I could never wear anything sexy or be truly feminine without breasts and cleavage. Now I rock bras and nipples as accessories, cause why not?! I think I forgot that so many different things make me feminine. And that fuck all the clothes that don’t. CrossFit helped with that too. Now I feel like I wear athletic sexy. And finally, softness. Both on my body and with myself.

      Here’s to softness. And to being in this thing together. Thank you for being here with me. xo, Maddie

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