“so what’s my bullshit?”

“I want to know what my bullshit is. Is that under the umbrella of therapy?” I started seeing my therapist years ago as a preemptive measure. I wasn’t in crisis, but knowing the general concentration of my feelings, it seemed like a good call to get the ball rolling.

“Yes. Absolutely under the therapy umbrella. Are you sure you want to know.” Gotta love a woman that gives you fair warning before shit gets real.

“You let your background undermine everything you do.”

In other words, I am my bullshit. I doubt my right to have a voice because of the privilege I was born into. I believe that same privilege invalidates the work I do until that work matches what I’ve been given. I believe that any partner solid enough to stand with me will see that I’m a fraud, acting in my own life. And related to privilege or no, I am continuously unsure how to live in my body, a fact which makes loving myself incredibly tricky business.

I don’t know what your bullshit is. Or whatever it is you think makes you unlovable. But here’s mine. Given not to be made invalid with outsourced evidence to the contrary. Rather, I just want to place it here before stepping into my fourth decade later this week. I’d like to leave it in my twenties. To say it out loud four once so it stops gaining volume inside of me.

Here is my bullshit. Maybe it’ll make you feel less alone in yours. I’m done feeling alone in mine.

4 Responses to “so what’s my bullshit?”

  1. Vel Danielle Gambrell February 19, 2018 at 9:55 pm #

    Thank You and Many Blessings.
    Not many individuals account for their bullshit.
    I myself am guilty of this, I was medicated for depression, anxiety and PTSD. It was too much.
    I could not feel my emotions and I function on my emotions, live by my emotions. They are my creator given intuitive gifts. (to hell with the experts).
    I knew I need to stop those meds and find a different way, I knew I could not heal through the issues of the past with out feeling and understanding. Which would keep me from being accountable for me.
    Accountable for my own bullshit.
    Love and Light to You

    • maddie February 19, 2018 at 11:01 pm #

      Thank you. For reading and for sharing this piece of yourself and your history. You know, there are times in our lives when perhaps pausing and turning around to truly look at our emotions is too much. Sometimes we have to heal a little bit first. But then, yes, to heal in a way that is rich and resilient, we have to do that looking and that knowing. And when we do. When we live by and with our emotions, we open up a whole new world in which we know ourselves fully. To all the courage you have in you to pause and do that work of seeing and knowing. xo.

  2. Isabel March 10, 2018 at 11:09 am #

    I have never related so strongly to a statement before.
    Thank you so much for sharing.

    • maddie March 11, 2018 at 9:53 pm #

      oh yay! I’m so glad it resonated. And thank YOU for being in this space with me. xo, Maddie

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