About Me

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I have always had a contentious relationship with my body. It has been the one that breaks down in fear and stress and shame. I have recklessly hurled judgment and blame at it. I have placed the weight of my worth and happiness on its back and have demanded that it bear that weight alone.

When I look in the mirror now I see a reflection built up over many years and even more layers of deliberate grace. I don’t accept my body. I haven’t resigned to it. And I don't love it unconditionally.

I am irreverently and courageously in love with my body.

That’s what love is. Or rather, sustainable, resilient, soul-stretching love. I give my body the same latitude as I do a lover. There is space to be upset or disappointed or angry and to still love it. One-sided, blind devotion is too much for a partner and too much for your body. We can’t dissolve into it and expect to be whole. We must maintain autonomy. And we must honor that separateness just as we honor that connection. We need both.

Sexy Back

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We need to carry this same presence, this same balance of separateness and connection in our relationship with our body to all of the relationships that shape our life: food, sex, love, self. And through all of it we must thread the deliciousness of pleasure.

I am no stranger to doubt or uncertainty or shame. The relationship I had with my body mirrored the one I had with my plate and my partners. I was consumed by them. They meant everything. I effectively outsourced my sense of power and worthiness. I undermined my ability to write the narrative of my own life.

I’ve spent the last 15 years working to rewrite that story. It began in the body, by uncovering my inner athlete and realizing that in trying to be thin, in trying to take up less space in this world, I was disappearing from my own life. There is such power in watching your body adapt and get stronger, in taking up space.

Sitting Smile

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My relationship with food shifted as I began to eat Paleo, but truly, as I removed the labels of “good” and “bad” and “cheat” food from my vernacular and started to eat the foods that made me come alive and made me feel nourished. We can sit down to a squeaky clean plate, but if we are a million miles away or buried deep in guilt and shame - we’ve missed it.

Change happens not in isolation, but in cascades, and thus as doubt gave way to trust, and shame to worthiness in my relationships with my body and my diet, so too did my relationship to love and partnership and sex begin to transform.

Pleasure is a muscle we must exercise. So too is presence. And grace. We must have all in order to receive - to receive nourishment, and love, and a mind-blowing orgasm. I have lost myself in love and sex. I have hurt and been hurt. I have had sex that meant nothing and sex that meant everything. Haven’t we all.

Black-White Bed

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Gold Diamond

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But what now?

As I move through this beautiful mess that is my life I seek to find a whole lot of something. Perfection, arrival are not the point. Life is the point. You are the point.

This has been a path of visibility. And of expansion. And of failing. And of love. And of sex. It has been, and continues to be, a path towards the gorgeous contradiction of selves that make up my life.

Join me.